Living in a world without you
by Ranja86
Summary: Did Malik's dark side really vanish after BC? Had it been TOO easy? Painfully, Malik has to learn that he hasn't won at all - and is forced to face his worst nightmare. This time, it will however go deeper than anything before, not only for him.


**~ Living in a world without you ~**

Inspired by this song, but unable to make AMVs, I decided to try a written variation on this subject. To say one thing first: This won't become nice and sweet, so people with weak hearts shouldn't read this. And I don't know either if my explanations are making sense. Please don't judge me for my only basic medical and psychological knowledge and my treating of the subject.

If anybody will notice: YES, I know this is somehow like the original series, if not planned either. Maybe you just read it like a "realistic" variation?

Focus will be on Malik and his "Yami", my sources are:

The Rasmus – Living in a world without youand

Eisbrecher – Heilig (after a nice chat with Buffy, whom I dedicate this ff to)

This translation, however, is dedicated to Mystralwind who can now hopefully understand it.^^

* * *

**~It's hard to believe that it came to this, you paralyzed my body with a poison kiss ~**

What had been the sense of Battle City? Often enough, Malik had asked himself this simple question, but had not come to one single satisfying conclusion.

Now, back in Egypt, he had had enough time to think about it.

Together with his sister and Odion, he had returned once in a while to the old tomb, simply enough because they couldn't call another place their home.

Sure, life on the surface was much more interesting, yet, in the end, Malik had always been used to the dark, quiet and depressing atmosphere of the grave.

And he had started to get used to an unknown feeling of paranoia, getting slowly stronger more and more.

Everything had begun when he had been taking care of the tomb together with Odion one day..

* * *

**~ For 40 days and nights I was chained to your bed, you thought that was the end of the story~**

"How long have we not been here..?" Malik murmured, deeply lost in thought and traced the cold, naked signs on the wall with his fingers.

The corridors were still only partly lit and made him feel numb and oppressive in his chest.

Thank God he had Odion by his side.

"It's been one month, I think.." the tall man smiled at his protégé. Every time they had come back Malik had stirred up the impression of a worried dog who sniffed danger.

But what danger?

Odion knew that Malik didn't show such behaviour openly just for fun. Otherwise, he would make a total fool of himself..

"That's enough for me," the youth grumbled. "Why doesn't Ishizu take care of this by her own if it's of such importance to her?"

Unnerved, he kicked a little pebble into the corridor right in front of them. It parted at the end into two sections and ended at a smooth stone wall in front of them.

The pebble rolled on some feet, and when Malik lifted his gaze he thought to see a shadow on the wall which didn't belong there..

For one second, fear crept up his spine, but when the shadow vanished after a few seconds, he calmed down.

"Did you see anything?" Odion had nevertheless noticed – he knew Malik since he was a child – and asked him concerned. "We may leave if you don't like it here."

"I would appreciate that today.." Malik turned nervously, yet couldn't make anything out on the wall. "I just want to get out of here."

"It's ok," the older one nodded and paced down the corridor to get back to the entrance after some twists and turns. Since he had been raised here likewise, he knew the terrain by heart.

The same went for Malik whose feeling of being observed gradually rose. It was like being threatened by an unknown danger. He wanted to get out of here – as fast as possible.

Just when he turned to the exit of the tomb, the paranoid feeling got irresistible and he turned back to look behind – and saw him.

There, right at the opposite wall, half cast in shadow, Malik could make out the almost identical copy of himself. The same clothes, the same stature, the same face.. except for the diabolical grimace on it.

With a scream, the Egyptian staggered back, and promptly fell into his protector's arms.

"What's wrong?" Odion had grabbed his wrist. "Did you see a ghost?" he tried to joke.

"No," Malik shook his head and the safety given by the older one chased the shadow away.

"But something much more horrible.." he turned his voice down to a whisper, the fear of himself still present. He had been in good spirits of having finished this "case" with Battle City.

Maybe he had been wrong.

* * *

**~You told me, my darling, without me, you're nothing~**

And that had started the whole misery.

Malik had informed himself well enough to know what matters were about.

Magical powers cast aside, if you looked at it on a psychological level, this talk about his "Yami" was a nicely put underestimation of the true facts.

What had happened back then couldn't be traced back to some fantastical magic.

Something like that was called schizophrenia in modern speech.

He had lost control, and in a split-second he had changed to someone completely different. He had done things he would never have thought about. He had hurt people whom he actually loved..

He had done that in full conscience, yet unable to do something against it. Only Odion had managed to bring him back, with great difficulty. And he had paid a high price.

Even now his back hurt him a lot if he was away too long. Just because Malik had smashed him against a steel wall with full force..

And now he was back at the beginning.

Malik wasn't superstitious, yet he had _seen_ him.. a clearly defined silhouette.

So, rising paranoia paid definitely no tribute to the improvement of his condition.

He had been happy to finally getting back to normality and had hoped to never face this again in his life.

But when he already stared at his own reflection as a shadow on the wall, he should get worried.

He didn't want to see him, and didn't want to remember. Under no circumstances.

Yugi had swept him off the play field with his last attack so thoroughly that he lacked any remembrance of the deeds of his different self.

Thank Ra, in both senses!

For, what he had sensed in front of his shadow had been just one overwhelming feeling: Naked fear.

* * *

**~Suddenly someone was there in the window, looking outside at the sky that had never been blue~**

Yet, it didn't get better.

Even outside the grave he felt haunted. That meant.. haunted..? More the nagging feeling of something being wrong inside and of being paid a visit by an invisible fear he could barely describe..

He hated this feeling and he hated himself for not being able to block it.

Why did that bother him?!

Malik had told his sister in private about that, with the strict intention of not lying again, but Ishizu had only watched him very skeptical and tried to switch over to another topic as fast as possible.

She could very well remember what had happened yet was on her guard of not letting anything about it slip out of her tongue.

Obviously, she was scared that Malik might do that again.

And she also told him:

"You are only scared by shadows which try to haunt you," she smiled encouraging. "Those things are not real, just if you allow them to be."

"I try to ignore him, but he doesn't go away," Malik replied sulkily and nervously moved on his chair.

Ishizu looked at her little brother quite thoughtfully.

"I know this sounds stupid.. but did you try a psychologist?"

Now, it was Malik's turn to look at his sister very skeptical.

Had he just heard right?

"You know my opinion about that, my dear sister," his face darkened and his answer came so grave that Ishizu didn't doubt it for just one second. "Before I'm doing THIS I'll hang myself. They only prescribe you medicaments which don't solve the problem."

"I cannot help you with that, I'm sorry.." the young woman sighed and wondered what other problems Malik might deal with. It made her uneasy just to _talk _about such things, plus she couldn't really understand him..

"It's ok," the boy waved his hand and stared out of the window. It had become dark and first stars had emerged on the dark-blue night sky. "Maybe the best is I'm getting drunken," he smirked at his sister, yet knew this masquerade was just a useless attempt of hiding his fear.

Fear of the darkness.

His darkness.

"Man, I was joking!" he sighed, and got up to go into his room. "You know as well as I do that I don't drink. Good Night, I'm going to sleep," he finished the talk and Malik silently disappeared into his room.

Odion had already gone to sleep because he had to work tomorrow.

And maybe, he should do likewise.

No sooner said than done; after 15 minutes the youth lay pondering on his bed and stared at the ceiling. He had left the window open to get some fresh air into the room. The heat was barely bearable.

Again, Malik had the feeling of being watched.

"I feel like a deer in the forest who knows a wolf is living there.." he murmured to himself and tried to calm down his alarmed instincts. If he didn't succeed, he could as well forget about sleep this night.

Paranoia really worsened.

The Egyptian could only make out dim silhouettes in the dark, so he lifted his head towards the window – and froze at the spot.

On the window-sill sat his reflection, one leg pulled up at his chest, the other one swinging freely down. And he gazed at him. The mean smile on the pretty face widened, and in one inviting gesture he pointed at Malik.

"What.. do you want.." the boy heard himself talking to the shadow, yet couldn't back away of fear.

Instead of an answer, the bright eyes sparkled devilishly in the moonlight which set all instincts on alarm inside him.

Without any further comment, the reflection reached his hand out and waved.

_Come.._

"No, I don't want to.." Malik looked at him, spooked into his very heart by what he was seeing. He noticed panic creeping up his spine and memories eating their way out which had been buried deep down..

"I DON'T WANT!" he finally screamed at the silhouette in the window, and blinked with his eyes because in the next instant his room was flooded with light.

Without having even noticed, he could now see his adoptive-brother standing right in front of him, his hand at the light switch. And promptly, the shadow vanished.

"Malik? Is everything ok?" Odion asked worried, yet the shivering figure in front of him told it all. Except this one sequence in Battle City, he had never seen the youth so finished.

"What happened?" he seated himself next to him on the bed and soothingly gazed at the youth. "Was it him again?"

Malik nodded weakly.

"Yes, and he wanted me to come," he spoke, scared like a little child. "You're the only one who understands that.. who doesn't call me a lunatic.." the youth whispered and, embarrassed, turned his gaze down at the floor.

"You're not a lunatic.." Odion caressed his shoulder in a loving manner. "You've had a hard time and maybe just need a bit more until you're finally over it. Don't you think we don't know that."

With a warm smile directed at the Egyptian, he brought Malik back down to earth.

Whence did he take the power to hold onto the youth, regarding what he had done to them?

Sometimes, he didn't even know himself, yet Malik must've noticed too that his sister couldn't cope with everything he was and felt like. Like any other people, she had suffered too..

"Odion..?" Malik turned to his protector, and stared into his eyes, his bright eyes flickering. "Am I going crazy?"

His almost desperate tone in voice touched the older one deeply. If the youth was already asking such questions, it was high time.

"I don't think so," he tried to encourage him, yet could imagine well enough how Malik was feeling right now. "But honestly speaking.. I cannot give you a real answer to that."

He mournfully looked at the youth who still seemed uneasy, and didn't know what to believe and what not.

"I don't want to see him, yet he haunts me.." he finally confessed. "I cannot remember what I've done when he had been there, but I don't want to repeat that no matter what!"

Forcefully, he grabbed Odion's wrist and pressed it.

"I would rather die than let him take me over again!" he hissed at the now disappeared shadow. "Never again!"

"Please don't talk like that..!" the older one suddenly pulled him at his chest. "Don't you think of that, you would make us two very sad!"

For some seconds, Malik just enjoyed the warmth and comfort Odion was giving him without having been asked for. It was good to have someone like him around him.

"You will accompany us tomorrow nevertheless?" the Egyptian let go of Malik after a while, and saw him unaltered and like himself again. "It won't take long."

"I'll go," Malik tried to smile. "And thanks. Now I can hopefully sleep better."

"Welcome," his protector smiled back and got up. "So, see you tomorrow."

* * *

**~You taught me, to look in your eyes, and fed me, your sweet lies~**

Considering the former events, Malik had really slept well this night. No nightmares, no shadows, nothing. Maybe he had surrendered?

Or.. thought the opposite way round: Maybe he was planning something much worse..

How did this saying from that guy go?

If you look into the abyss, the abyss starts looking back at you..

Slowly Malik got the meaning behind it.

You could define personal abyss in several ways, but the old tomb was and would always remain his personal nemesis. After all, he had spent almost 16 years of his life here, not every aspect accompanied by positive emotions.

He didn't know either why he had declared after Battle City to restore order here. Left aside that he as the male heir was supposed to do that anyway.

He just didn't like it here. Full stop.

And now, since the other keepers weren't there anymore, the corridors had become quieter and darker than before.

When he and Ishizu had decided to loosen or abandon the rules their father had set up, many of their people had taken that new option as granted and had gone.

Or fled.

Depending on how you looked at it.

And, somehow, Malik could understand that, for he felt the same. Only some of the "keepers" had stayed and taken care of the most important things. For example, surveying the tomb to secure nothing got stolen.

There were a lot of tomb-robbers still today.

It sounded silly, yet Malik had liked Bakura, this strange spirit of the Sennen Ring, in one way or another. Of course he had not been quite himself, to say the least, but he had been sure that the other one, too, had seen things better kept hidden..

Argh, he was doing it again!

Angry at himself, Malik kicked with his foot against the wall in front of him, only to limp back the next second with a pain-stricken face.

"What's up with you?" he had been accompanied by Odion like always, who looked at his protégé very skeptical and concerned. "Is something wrong?"

Together with two other Egyptians, both had gone a wide circle through the grave to do some kind of inventory. To check if everything was still at its place, if anything was to be changed, etc.

Now, only the room of the ceremony was still left of the whole territory. That room in which he had received his ordination.

And the nearer they were approaching, the more Malik got uneasy.

It felt as if he could almost grasp the danger.

He could sense it.

Then they had reached the room, and immediately Malik recognized it: The naked, cold walls, the niches for preservation of different objects, the tall pillars which supported the ceiling, and the tall, quadrangular stone table.

Somehow, it reminded him of the bier for passed persons who had been mummified on it. And very probably had this been the very aim of that table.

Fascinated and in thought, the youth had been gazing at the table for a while, so that he hadn't noticed someone was now sitting on it.

"You died here 6 years ago, didn't you..?" his reflection whispered to him, and, with the sudden remembrance, Malik froze to the spot.

"You haven't really thought of everything being over?" his shadow tilted his head, and pointed to the pillar next to him. "You see those dark streaks there? That was you.."

"What.. what do you mean.." the youth stuttered and didn't dare to avert his gaze from him. "What are you doing here.."

"To remind you of your true self.." he heard the shadow speak and Malik could feel his fixed stare on him. "You have forgotten your deeds? I will lend you a helping hand in remembering.."

And in a rush, the youth could see everything again:

The ordination with all its pain and humiliation, the wounds which had been caused..

A hot knife.

Violence and subjection.

Helplessness.

Blood.

"So, can you remember now?" his shadow grinned at him, modernly clad in Jeans and T-Shirt like himself. "But you paid them all back.. Especially your Dad," he hissed maliciously at the youth.

"No, stop that.. I don't want to know that!" Malik contradicted, yet felt helpless. To say nothing of the reactions he caused at his comrades.

Openly talks to oneself always were suspicious.

Only Odion got the meaning behind that. He hadn't forgotten Malik's words from yesterday: I'd rather die..

"Malik, stop that! Don't do that!" he shouted at the youth, but met deaf ears. He was too much absorbed in his own panic to hear him.

"Why not?!" the shadow got furious. "You're a coward who's running away from himself instead of facing the problems! You're so embarrassing!"

"Leave me!" the boy stepped backwards. "I won't come to you!"

"I'll show you something.." his reflection chuckled meanly. "And I must say, you've got an interesting sense of humour. Did you never question yourself how your father met his death?"

Helpless, the youth had to watch the whole scene which was called back by his shadow. He knew it had been his fault that his father had died, but he didn't remember to what extent.

The more did the view shock his soul:

He could see himself as an 11old, with a dagger in his hand. His father pushed to a pillar.

"Look closely.." his reflection said soothingly.

The boy pointed the sharp end of the dagger at the man, and then did something to him which let Malik's blood freeze:

He scalped him.* (*according to Manga)

With the blade, he cut the signs including the whole skin of the back in one piece around which was followed by the removal of the skin in one big piece, blood around and on himself.

Then he went to Odion, who was lying on the floor, and lay this "cover" on his back with the sneering words: "You always wanted to be a part of our clan.. I'll fulfill your wish now."

Unconsciously, Malik had spoken those words to himself too; and astonished and horrified by that Odion felt himself captured by fear and concern for the youth. He remembered those words from back then still well enough..

"You know the best about that?" the shadow grinned a second time. "It had been much fun for you or should I rather say – for me? All suffering, all pain, it had felt so good to revenge it and wipe it out.. don't you agree?"

"I didn't do that.." the youth tried to contradict, yet could still see the picture clearly burnt in his mind. He was just before losing his mind. If he would continue talking to his reflection, he would give in, he just knew it.

"Oh, you very much did that," his opponent criticized him. "That and much more. Can I now come to you? I'm bored.." the boy licked the blood off his hand. "We could have so much fun.."

"Never.." Malik painfully bit his tongue, but slowly surrendered. He could notice his knees getting weak.

"And if you're not willing, then I'll use force.." the shadow cited, and, like a tiger, jumped into Malik's face.

* * *

**~There's a world without you ~**

"Malik!" his protector could only watch the youth suddenly collapsing without a sound and hitting the ground hard.

"Get a hold!" he had reached the youth with some swift strides, kneeling beside him, yet the Egyptian didn't show any life signs except for a faint pulse which Odion could feel despite the pale face he was looking at.

The youth was in acute need of medical help.

"Where's the next doctor?!" he snapped at their comrades who had been stunned by the sudden change as well as Odion himself.

"I know one, we can bring him there," he offered, and led the way out. "Shall we carry him?"

"No, it's ok," the tall man had lifted the youth up on his arms and held him tight to his chest. Under no circumstances would he now have given him away! After all, he was "his" Malik..

And since a few minutes, he now was in life-threatening danger.

* * *

**~ It's hard to believe that it came to this, you paralyzed my body with a poison kiss ~**

Suddenly awakening, Malik found himself in a completely dark room, or was it no room at all? Everything was dark around him, almost like..

With a scream, he could see the cause for that change directly in front of him.

"Welcome home," the shadow, who was no shadow anymore, grinned at him devilishly.

"What are you?" Malik stared at him, horrified into his very heart. He had experienced that one time.. and it had been hell.

"I'm you."

"No, that's not true," the youth attempted to escape from the truth.

"Oh yes, I am you and you are me," his reflection knelt down in front of the shivering, kneeling youth and held up his chin to make him look into his bright eyes. "Don't you recognize me?"

And without awaiting a response, he placed a tender kiss on his lips.

"You can't be.." Malik felt uneasy, yet was suddenly feeling a caressing hand on his naked thigh. And only now did he become aware that he wasn't wearing anything at all.

"Did you really think I had been gone?" the shadow grinned at him. "You avoided the topic instead of dealing with it. That was your mistake."

"Don't.." Malik backed off when the hand was trailing higher. "What do you want from me?"

"I from you?" his reflection kissed his neck, and softly bit it. Unconsciously, Malik twitched. "You don't get it.. YOU want something from ME. I'm all that you never dared to venture but always wanted to.."

"That's not true," Malik's face reddened, for, even if he ignored it, the caresses felt good.

"Listen.." his shadow suddenly dragged him forcefully and almost brutally at his chest. "We can do this the soft tour or the hard one if you refuse to accept it."

In one second, his pitch in voice had changed into an aggressive, sneering tone, and scared the youth whose eyes started to flicker.

Why wasn't he able to struggle against him? Because his shadow was right?

"I promised to never let you regain control, even if it kills you!" he spoke bravely, and wriggled out of the hard grip. "I'd rather stay here and keep you here too then let you hurt people who are dear to me!"

Furiously, the eyes of his reflection narrowed and in one fast motion he had thrown Malik brutally on his back, and was kneeling over him.

The same went for the environment which had changed as fast. The youth now found himself again on this very table on which he had received the ritual.

Even the stains of blood seemed fresh, it felt uncomfortably smeary.

"You know where you are?" his reflection smirked, and chained the Egyptian's wrists at the ends of the table, exactly like Malik's father had done it years ago. "I hope you're lying comfortably.." he whispered into his ear, and let his hands trail along the slender body, with barely hidden desire.

"Because it will soon become very uncomfortably for you.."

* * *

**~For 40 days and nights I was chained to your bed, you thought that was the end of the story~**

"I came here as fast as possible," Ishizu guiltily cast down her eyes. "What happened?" she bit her lip, like Odion worried about her brother.

"We had been in the tomb.. and somehow he must've remembered what he had done back then.." the older one attempted to find words for the things he had witnessed. "I know you think of it as fantasy or hallucinations, but I believe Malik."

"You believe he's losing his mind?" Ishizu sternly looked at the man and pressed Odion's hand in order to suppress a scream. That wasn't for real! They had gone through that horror already once..

But this time, things were worse.

"What did the doctor say?"

"There is not much to say," the doctor quietly told them, coming out of the door. "After your representation of the accident, your brother has very likely fallen into coma by a sudden circulatory collapse. Probably caused by an immense mental shock he received from the outside."

"And.. will he reawake?" Ishizu inquired with a worried face.

"Until now, he has not responded to anything we did, almost, as if he did not want to.." the doctor disbelievingly shook his head. "But you cannot really tell for sure with such patients. He may reawake in 5 minutes, in one week, or maybe never again.."

"No, don't say that!" Ishizu's blue eyes flickered with fear. "I can't believe that.."

"Can.. we talk to him?" Odion made a suggestion to the doctor. "I've heard this may help sometimes."

"That's right, in some cases it did work. Here you are," the doctor opened the door and the two people entered the room.

Somehow, it looked as if the youth was sleeping. But nobody knew what was going on inside his mind.

"Malik, don't do that.." Ishizu spoke softly, with tears in her eyes. "Please don't make me an unhappy sister, we only got one brother.."

Almost begging, she looked at her unconscious brother and pressed his hand.

She didn't receive a response.

"Please come back.." she pleaded, and drew back after some minutes to go outside, accompanied by the doctor.

"Please do sit down," the man assisted in seating the young woman on a chair. And then, everything was over and Ishizu buried her face into her hands.

Hot tears were flooding down her face and she was sobbing, her feelings rushing out at once.

That was too much, that couldn't be true!

"Please.. calm down.. that does not make things better," the doctor softly lay his hand on her shoulder after a while. "Try to calm down a bit."

"Do you have siblings?" Ishizu gazed at him with a mix of sadness and anger.

The man negated.

"I only have one single blood-related brother," she almost hissed at the doctor with a dry voice. "And if I lose him, you can bury me too."

Similar thoughts were also roaming through Odion's mind as he stood, depressed, next to the youth. He knew what Malik had in mind, but like Ishizu he wanted to prevent that at all costs.

The boy mustn't turn his promise into reality!

"How can you even think of doing that.." he bit his lip, reminded of Battle City and Malik's close end. He had assisted him back then to free himself on his own, but despite that he had faced his shadow like a brave man, he had felt like crying.

Malik had wanted to give up.

And, even if the name "Shadow Realm" was of a more positive sound, in the end it just stated the fact that Malik had accepted to die.

And Odion was pretty sure that the youth could control that if he truly wanted.

"Don't do that again, I beg you.." he knelt beside him and let his hand trail through one of the light hair-strands. "Don't you know how dear you are to me?"

In that moment, a slight shiver ran through the body of the youth, then Malik was as still as before.

Obviously, it hadn't been meant for him, for when Odion could see single tears dropping down the pain-stricken face, he asked himself what went on inside his mind.

* * *

**~You put me together, then trashed me for pleasure~**

It hurt..

"Why.. why are you doing that..?" the youth trembled of pain and tried to rear under his reflection. "Uhn.. owch.."

Shivering of pain, Malik had closed his eyes so that he at least didn't have to watch this humiliation.

The hot, penetrating body of his shadow on him felt disgusting, his movements made him repulse and he detested and loathed it..

It felt so humiliating!

It was worse than everything else..

"Because it's fun to torment others and make them suffer.." his shadow grinned at him and thrust forcefully into the helpless body. "You also enjoyed it when you were tormenting your subordinates mentally.."

All the more, the youth pressed his eyes together and turned his face away.

It was so disgusting.. so loathsome.. it was like a bizarre twist of the things he had experienced here years ago..

"Hey.." his reflection grabbed his face to turn it to his own one. He forced Malik to stare into his bright eyes. "Look at me when I'm raping you!"

"You.. hurt.. me.." the youth stared at the shadow, tears in his eyes. Full of pain and fear. "Why..?"

"Don't worry, it will soon be over.." his opponent gave him a warm kiss on his lips and terminated the whole game with some forceful thrusts.

Trembling of disgust and pain the Egyptian curled himself together and suppressed a sound. He didn't want his shadow to discover some new ideas for torture..

"Hey.. my little kitten.." his reflection softly caressed his cheek, but Malik turned his head aside. He didn't want to get touched by this.. monster!

"Leave me alone!" he hissed, still quivering, yet in the next instant found himself freed of his chains and onto a warm, soft bed. Perplexed, he touched the cozy pillows and blanket on which he was sitting.

It all had become much more puzzling..

What was here?

Where was he?

"Oh yes, right.. I'm in my own mind.." the youth lay his finger at his chin and pondered. "Or not? This looks different.."

In the same instant, his shadow suddenly emerged next to him, like Malik clad in Shorts, and pulled the youth protective at his chest.

"You're here by my side," he grinned at him. "Isn't that enough? I've missed you all the time.."

* * *

**~You used me, again and again, abused me, confused me~**

"Why can't you just leave me alone?!" Malik hissed furiously, but noticed that the warm embrace slowly calmed him down. It felt good and soothing to be held tight in such strong arms.. it reminded him of someone he liked very much.

"Only if you ban me yourself," his reflection stroked his head and tenderly caressed the youth on his neck.

Unconsciously, Malik twitched.

"Hm.." he instinctively started to purr, despite the fact that his shadow had done such horrible things to him only minutes ago.

Had he already forgotten?

"You like that?" his reflection mumbled and drew the youth into a passionate kiss without being pushed away. On the contrary, Malik seemed to enjoy it and continued the soft touches of his dark side.

He snuggled closer to the older youth and obviously enjoyed his caresses.

"That's.. good.." he purred with satisfaction and his bright eyes sparkled with animation. "I could get used to that.."

"Then stay here.." his reflection tried to persuade him and his voice changed into a partly sensual tone. "Stay here with me.. I can protect you.. I can be everything you're fearing.."

Fear.

In an instant, Malik was wide awake again.

No!

"No! Never!" he drew back before his shadow and stared at him. He had almost forgotten..!

"You won't defeat me!"

"Don't be all too sure.." the face of his shadow suddenly changed to a malicious grimace. "You cannot get out. Not as long as you don't accept me. You are nothing without me, get it!"

With a smooth jump he had catapulted himself over Malik again and held a sharp blade at his neck which had come out of nowhere.

Frozen by fear, Malik didn't move an inch.

"I only need to press that forward, and then there'll be just one of us left.." he slightly cut the dark skin and the youth felt a sharp pain.

"Am I not nice to at least ask you beforehand?" he grinned diabolically and delighted in the scared face under him. "You just have to believe me.. I don't tell you anything else than the truth."

"You only.. want to win me over," the youth firmly responded, aware of the fact that the next comment could be his last one. "I'm not falling for that."

"Oh no, you're just like anyone else," his shadow pressed the dagger and a thin, bloody line was starting to drop down Malik's neck. "You know I'm right. But you shut your eyes before the truth and don't want to live with it."

"Will you.. kill me now?" the youth swallowed, and carefully looked up at his reflection.

"No," he removed the dagger, licking the blood off the slender neck. "I want you to listen to me."

* * *

**~Then something inside me called freedom came alive ~**

Three days had passed, and Malik still hadn't regained consciousness.

Ishizu tried to cover her sorrow, but even Odion noticed her being at the end of her self-control.

And, honestly, who would have reacted otherwise in such a situation?

It was no surprise that Ishizu as well as Odion came to the youth each day and aimed at getting him back. But neither gestures of caring nor talking seemed of any help.

Malik stayed unconscious.

He was no longer in life-threatening danger, but until now no change had occurred either. Except for some slight reactions like a short trembling of his body.

His head buried into his hands, Odion was sitting alone on a small, simple chair and sought to find the right words.

What could he do?

Malik didn't _want_ to come back, that was for sure. And as long as he couldn't decide for himself, it would stay that way.

The question was, how long his body could stand that.

But, at least no more tears had been seen.

Progress?

"If you would at least give me the chance of lending you a hand.." he lay his hand on Malik's shoulder and softly pressed it. "I know you like to do things on your own, to use your own strength, but even you fail sometimes.."

He looked sadly at the unconscious youth in front of him.

"I'm a coward like you," he suddenly turned his voice down to a whisper. "I'm also running away from the truth.. yet my truth is more connected to yours than you might imagine.."

The older one, whom one might have credited much more energy and determination if you looked at his tall stature, almost wouldn't have dared to say the following words:

"Do you still think of me as a brother?" he slid nearer to Malik and took his hand. Could he hear him?

"I know I should act as a protector to you. Someone whom you can trust and on whom you can count. But I think, I failed.."

It cost his whole courage to whisper those words into his ear:

"I don't see you as a little brother, but as a young and strong man. I want you to come back because I need you.. I love you, don't you know that?"

In the same instant, Odion had rather bitten his tongue, it was just so.. embarrassing. Yet.. he should've said that much earlier.

Maybe it was already too late.

"I'm so sorry.. but I don't want to lose you..." the Egyptian felt fear creeping up his spine and choking his breath. The youth was still alive, but for how long?

"Please.. don't leave me.. and your sister alone."

* * *

**~Living in a world without you ~**

"What was that?" Malik turned his head in surprise.

Had he not heard something? A voice which had been talking to him?

Or had it been his imagination – like everything else here?

"That's nothing," his shadow cast a poisonous gaze to the suspicious direction behind Malik's back. Very dimly, he thought to see a bright spot shimmering there, so blurred you had to look twice to see it.

And he knew what that meant.

Malik was receiving help from the outside.

"But I thought I heard something.." the boy was surveying his environment with his eyes, but couldn't recognize anything else than the comfortable room in which they were still sitting.

How long had they been staying here?

Malik had lost all sense of time, not to say anything either about the place.

As sudden as his reflection got his changes of sense, so sudden his environment seemed to change likewise..

From dark, creepy corridors to comfortably well-lit rooms to uncanny wilderness everything was possible. And it confused Malik more and more.

He had soon forgotten what was real and what not.

Where was he?

Why was he here?

Without having noticed it, he had slid down deeper into his own labyrinth of feelings.

When his shadow had been leaving him alone from time to time, Malik had started out of sheer curiosity to roam through the different corridors.

He had found a lot of doors, and often well locked up.

Often enough, however, his reflection had accompanied him and they had opened one door after the next, almost all of them exclusively charged with negative emotions.

And, every time, the youth had fled into his arms, seeking safety there. At the beginning just out of a mere instinct and reflex, but later on purpose and with delight.

Like this time.

"And you're sure I really opposed my sister?" the youth lay half cast over his reflection with his upper body, obviously with actual plans of how to spend the evening.

He hadn't counted how often his shadow had slept with him forcefully.

As well as pain and sadness had ceased down.

He had learnt to listen.

"Yes, you have seen it," the older one grinned. "You, that means, I, threatened her with the Millenium Rod, yet she had proven astonishingly stubborn. I couldn't really scare her."

"A strong woman," Malik nodded.

"Yep," his reflection trailed along the scars on his back and made the youth purr like a cat. "But she was in our way. She had always wanted to tell you what to do."

"Maybe," Malik started to think about. "I opposed her, that's true."

"You see," his shadow kissed him passionately. "You slowly get it. You just defended yourself, there was nothing wrong with that."

"But she was angry with me.. and I was not nice to Odion either," Malik pouted. "Yet, I like him a lot.."

This time, his reflection twitched for a second.

Malik began to think the wrong way. If he really got behind everything, he had lost here. He would look for the exit and would find it.

And then, he was in big trouble.

"You like him? Pull the other one!" he laughed. "You treated him like a dog although he was trusty to you. This idiot didn't get it! Instead of giving you a telling-off he let himself being commanded! How stupid!"

_Malik.._

Suddenly touched inside, the youth felt a pain in his heart. That was no imagination! He knew that voice..

"Odion?" he asked into the darkness. "Is that you?"

"Forget him!" his shadow icily hissed at him, and grabbed the youth at his wrist. "Or do you want me to start it all over again?"

Horrified, the bright eyes flickered, and Malik noticed himself starting to tremble.

Even if he could forget everything, his reflection at once could recall the memory.

"Good boy," he grinned, and let the youth go.

But he was mistaken: In one swift movement, the Egyptian had started up and jumped backwards to avoid his grasp.

Before his reflection had even had a chance of getting him, Malik had fled lithe like a cat before him, and disappeared behind a great pillar.

"Hahaha.. try to find the exit!" his shadow laughed, loud and sneering. "You'll never find it on your own! You need me for that!"

With racing heart, Malik had stopped after a while and was now standing covered by a pillar.

In the same moment, he knew how foolish that was.

He still lived in his shadow's territory, he played after his rules and not his own ones!

"Shit.." the youth tried to find a way through the thick chaos of corridors, desert, jungle and who knew what else. Everything looked so confusing and blurred that he asked himself why he'd never noticed this kind of personal junk room before.

For, this was the only thing clear to him.

He was in his own sub-consciousness.

Where he had already been for one time only – locked up into a glass-pyramid.

"Let me think that over.." he carefully took a step forth. "If all that are my feelings.. then there must be a way out here if I can arrange them..?"

The bizarre chaos around him didn't vanish.

"What is it I truly want?"

* * *

**~ Then something inside me called freedom came alive ~**

The forth day..

Had it been only yesterday he had made that confession?

Odion felt like having said something extremely wrong. As if it had been a mistake worse than any other.

But..

It was true.

The youth was dearer to him like anyone else!

And he was sure Malik knew that. The youth was not dumb, on the contrary.

He just ignored it, that maybe was the problem.

"You've always been a little crosspatch.." the Egyptian heard himself speak in the past tense although the boy was next to him was still alive.

"You don't like to lose control, don't you?" he soothingly spoke to the youth, hoping that he might change something.

There HAD to be anything he could do?!

If it had brought Malik back, he happily would've died for him..

"And I know why. They had hurt you years ago and I couldn't help you," he sighed sadly and held his hand tighter. "It was a severe mistake which caused all that."

In a sudden shock, the tall man thought the youth would respond to him. An almost not recognizable shiver ran through the slender body, but as fast as it had occurred everything was over again.

"Malik!" he shouted at the youth, hoping that he was hearing him.

"Don't let yourself be dragged down! Please, come back!"

But instead of an answer, the youth calmed down and Odion slowly got the feeling he was drifting away deeper down into the Realm of nightmares.

"Please.."

* * *

**~Suddenly making a run through your garden, right through the gates of my past that I'm finally free~**

Scared like a deer on the run, Malik had not found one single clear thought, instead he felt the danger of his shadow in his neck. He was chasing him, definitely.

And if he would get him, the party was over.

He would make short work of him.

But if he continued like that, he would never find the way out!

He was sure there was an exit somewhere here!

But where?

Actually, he was standing right inside a jungle which somehow reminded him of the Nile-Delta in which he'd spent some time of his life.

Those many different plants called creepy and bizarre shadows to life and Malik was almost believing to see his own nightmare standing there.

In a last effort, he remembered a trick which he had learnt from Yugi:

If you were alone and almost panicked in the darkness around you, there was only one thing useful to chase away the fear – Meditation.

Devoted to his fate, the youth closed his eyes and concentrated his mind on systematically cutting through the chaos of his own feelings and fears.

Everything else around him was of no importance, it just existed in his own imagination. It wasn't real.

So, what was truly important to him?

What was his character about?

He had always regarded himself as someone being strong, dominant and steadfast. Who couldn't be scared by anything and never drew back if he had made up his mind.

So far, that was correct.

Yet.. like any other youth in his age, he was also unsure, trembling and weak if it came to facing his own problems.

He only masked them with forwardness and distracted himself in order not to think about it.

But, that was wrong.

In the end, he _had_ to face his own fear and abyss or they would finally eat him up alive.

And what about his comrades?

His sister was his sister, and he loved her like you could only love a big sister.

Ishizu had sacrificed everything for him, had followed him into Battle City and given all away just to get him back. Despite the trouble he had caused her.

And she had only done that because she loved him.

The next one was Odion; with him Malik shared a much closer bond than with Ishizu. Sometimes he had asked himself if they were still brothers or something more..

Odion had never opposed him, he had been there for him any time when he had needed him.

And what had he done?

He had treated him like the very last person, had made him crawl like a dog in front of him..

And all that although he.. loved him.

He had not been strong enough to forget his pride, oh no.

He had thought it was just.. wrong. Wrong to love a brother not like a brother, but as a man.

That much for tolerance..

But yet, that was it. That was the truth.

Blinking, the youth opened his eyes again and didn't trust his sight:

The jungle-like landscape in front of him was cut through by a narrow, yet quite clearly arranged path, and lead in relatively even lines cross the area. An end was not yet in sight, but now Malik had the feeling of at least walking into the right direction.

And, if he looked closer, he thought he was making out something like a bright shimmer.

He was almost chuckling: "Careful. The light at the end of the tunnel could also be the 12 o' clock train.."

But, there was a more bitter truth in that joke as he had ever imagined.

* * *

**~ There is hope to guide me ~**

"Had a nice trip?" his reflection was standing relaxed at the solid steel door which, together with a high wall, enclosed the area; his arms crossed in front of his chest.

Since when had there been a wall?!

"I'm astonished you made it," he spoke coolly, and shook his wrists. He had already made up his mind. "But since you haven't come here for nothing, what do you have to say?"

Totally puzzled, Malik remained standing at his place.

How could his shadow have made it so fast?

The exit had to be here, no doubt.

But as long as his reflection kept standing there, there was no chance of escaping.

"I want to go home.." the youth told him quietly, yet determined.

"So, you want to go home?" his opponent made a grimace, and curled his lips cynically. "You're longing for your mommy' s protection? Oh I'm sorry, you haven't got one.."

Painfully hurt, Malik cast down his gaze. It was hard to hear that because there was truth in it.

"No, but I want to go to the people who love, and who need me," he made a fist and stared into his reflection's eyes.

"Don't you tell me about love!" he stepped forwards. "You've never asked for it, you just depended on yourself!"

"Yes, that's true.." Malik admitted his shadow was right. "But that wasn't right.."

"Doesn't matter," his shadow smirked at him, and in one surprisingly fast jump found himself over the youth again for he had thrown him down with his speed on the ground.

"Tell me that your pride and dominance are much more like you than this whimsical behaviour. That's not like you," he pinned the shivering youth down.

"Sometimes one should be above his pride," Malik replied, swallowing hard. "What I could not do."

"And should not do, you get my point?" his shadow slowly pressed his hands on his neck.

"Don't make it that hard for you.." he murmured into his ear. "Let me come to you, and everything will be alright. I can show you what you may achieve if I am leading you."

"No," the youth's bright eyes sparkled with resistance, but he noticed his breath gradually dying down. Despite that, he told his thoughts clearly enough. "I don't need that. You're a part of me and I'm accepting that."

Surprised, his opponent let him go, and Malik coughed.

"I'm listening?" he helped the youth to get up and gazed at him, fascinated. Had he finally won?

"But, I can use this part to finish you off," it was Malik who was now grinning diabolically. "You'll pay for what you've made me do.."

Frowning, his shadow stepped backwards. Was he serious?

But in the next instant, he got hit at his nose by a hard knock of a fist.

"What the – " he covered his bleeding nose with his hand, and continued withdrawing, furious and surprised because he hadn't foreseen it.

"Revenge.." Murder glistened in Malik's eyes, and the youth attacked him again, hitting him stronger in his face.

His view being blurred, the older one staggered back, having difficulties in keeping an erect stature. My God, where did that guy take his strength from? He could never do that on his own!

"Second.. you don't really want to.." he tried to defend himself, but went on his knees when a next blow aimed at his stomach.

Gasping of pain, he fell back at the door which at least held him upright.

"Oh yes I want to..!" Malik shouted at him, but had to force himself to go on.

There was no other way!

He had to do this, or HE would!

"You're just to weak for that.." his shadow grinned at him, triumph gleaming in his eyes. "You can't do it.."

Malik hesitated.

"Do I tell you? You can't even manage to bring me down. How do you want to protect the persons dear to you then?" his reflection mocked him.

"When trouble occurs, you will abandon them and go to hide in your corner."

In that moment, Malik saw red.

A fine, bloody film covered his sight and any fuses were shut off immediately. Swept away in one rush.

And the only thing he truly wanted to now was to hit.

To hit his reflection as long as he wouldn't move anymore.

* * *

**~ I will survive, living in a world without you ~**

What was going on now?!

Was it just his own imagination, or had the pulse of the youth risen into dangerous spheres..

"Malik! What's up with you?!" he shook the youth on his shoulder, yet didn't get an answer.

What was occuring here? Was he –

"Get a hold!" he shouted another time, but except tossing and turning around in the bed, and the almost racing pulse he could not get anything out of him.

He had to calm him down, but how?

Before Odion would've gotten through to a doctor, everything was over!

And without thinking it over at all, the older one suddenly bent over the youth, and kissed him on his lips. Even if that would be his last action, he didn't want to part from Malik without a word..

He didn't care if everyone would've called it wrong.

_Malik.. I love you.._

_

* * *

  
_

**~I see the light, living in a world without you ~**

Unconsciously, the youth knelt in front of the corpse he had been responsible for.

He had really killed him.

How had he done that?

There wasn't that much left of that face in front of him..

Yet, he felt released. In a pervert, but peacefully way. He had defeated his shadow once and for all – he had killed him with his own, bare hands.

And what now?

His head still felt that burning and confused that he had forgotten why he had killed him in the first place..

_Malik.._

"Yes?" the youth felt himself being drawn to the door, and turned.

And, surprisingly, the door was open.

And now he knew what to do.

"Forgive me, I've kept you waiting.." he smiled at the entrance, went through –

* * *

**~ There's a world without you ~**

- and found himself again in strong arms which held him protectively.

Blinking astonished, he looked into Odion's olive-green eyes who stared at him likewise, perplexed for one moment.

"I'm back again," Malik weakly smirked, and in the next instant felt himself pressed into a warm and tight embrace. Peacefully, he enjoyed the warmth and security which was given to him.

"Ra be praised.." Odion felt relieved, and murmured a short Thank you to the gods. They had had an insight, after all..

"You're alright?" he released the youth to catch air, yet didn't dare to let him go. "What happened?"

"I.. I killed him," the youth averted his gaze, feeling guilty. "Or else he would've destroyed me.."

"That's ok," Odion attempted a warming smile, yet could see first tears emerging in Malik's eyes when he lifted his gaze up again.

"Is it really?" hot tears started dropping down his cheeks as he recognized what had happened. What he had done, back then and now.

And, he regretted all that with his whole heart.

"Can you forgive me?"

"Yes," his protector nodded, and without any further comment drew the shivering, sobbing youth into his arms, softly caressing his shoulders. Maybe, such an emotional outburst had been kept hidden for much too long..

For some minutes, the youth wasn't able to do anything else than to let out his pain and sorrow. And it felt good to cry like a baby after such a long time..

Even if he could only do that in front of Odion, no one else.

"Everything alright?" the Egyptian asked Malik when he had calmed down, yet didn't want to get out of the warm embrace. It was so cozy here..

"Hm," he nodded, staring into the elder's eyes, with such honesty and openness that Odion startled.

It was.. as if the boy had drawn back the curtains, and opened the door to his very self.

And somehow.. the Egyptian was scared. It was the first time he saw this at Malik.

"What?" the youth slid nearer to him, and before a word of defense could have escaped Odion's lips, the youth had laid his arms around his neck, drawing him into a short, loving kiss.

Perplexed, the older one couldn't react as fast as he'd wanted - what would've been useless anyway.

"My part of the excuse," Malik smiled at him. "Let's go home, I'm sure Ishizu will be waiting for us."


End file.
